savouring sweet sorrow

The weather has been cold, gloomy and rainy today. In spite of this, I began the day well, feeling that all things were possible; I got up early, cleaned the kitchen and made plans for a day of industry. Despite having a cold (and thus needing to speak in a near whisper) I was happy.

Yet this afternoon (now turned evening) I have been weepy and miserable, for no particular reason. Every effort I had made to reclaim my joy had been thwarted by one thing (“no, that won’t work”) or another (“ah, I can’t bother”). So I decided to wallow in perfect misery for a while, in the hopes of getting it out of my system.

I tried to cry. I scrunched my face into a contorted frown (the kind that makes J laugh affectionately when he sees it “oh, that’s such a sad face Katie”, he would say) and willed the tears to flow. Nothing.

In fact nothingness describes perfectly how I felt: nothing, bland and shapeless, like the horrible weather outside, like a puddle of pallid water.

Earlier in the day, I bought a bunch of flowers for $3. I had left them on the table with the other groceries as I sat hopelessly on the lounge. I decided to put them in water. Some of the flowers were broken, and I put these ones in small containers on the windowsill.

It was only a little action, but I enjoyed putting a bit more colour in the room. Then I saw this:

(I printed it earlier on in the week to use in my scripture class with year 5) I liked thinking about God’s creativity, and I particularly liked the phrase “every one of them” – as though the verse was talking about the very flowers I was looking at (which, in a way, it was). Though I am no scientist, I like to consider how things are put together and marvel at the level of artistry displayed in something as small and fragile as a flower.

(thankyou God for the flowers)

So, the moral of the story? Sometimes, (when the weather makes you miserable, or you’re feeling sick, or you are just having a plain bad day) the only thing you can do is sit and look at the flowers, and wait* to feel better.

*oh, and prayer, chocolate and good company helps.

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