I began writing, mid pep-talk…
(Part of me still lingers about sluggishly-trudging through thoughts of hopelessness, inertia, exhaustion: this room is overcoming me, the desk, the washing, the clutter, it threatens to take me whole. One giant gulp. I refuse to let it.)
I am trying to convince myself that these feelings pass, that I need more rest, more exercise, more leisure, more structure, more normality, but I think the truth is that everything is just chaos suspended in moments elongated or sped.
Thismorning, for example, I woke up at 5am. Everything was dark and windy and rainy Outside. I turned on the light in the bathroom, my own little cuccoon. I loved being up so early, to be organised and ready for the day to come. I ordered all my textbooks for uni, was ready for a 7am start at work, and later, passed the test for my licence (gold. I feel like a real adult now).
I have a hot chocolate now, and am quietly amused: as I was writing this, I looked down at my bookshelf and saw one of the books I ordered for next trimester, already bought! A quick phonecall later and I have saved $30, proving that hot chocolate is worth more than a little sanity.
Soon I will tidy the desk, put the washing away, and start a new project I’ve been thinking of: words strung out over string.
I like to imagine what I’d look like from above. frantic and ridiculous, no doubt. Thankfully, God has it all in hand.